To Beard or not to Beard?

Posted on April 26, 2015

Description:

During the shareholder-mandated vacation I grew something that started to resemble a beard. (The last time I attempted to grow facial hair was for a 2010 mustache growing competition, the final results of which were not flattering.) Like Al Gore after losing the presidential election I found myself relaxing into a state of bearded peace.


I’ve long been jealous of others chin bristles and convinced my own attempts would result in unflattering and patchy tufts poking about my face. This meek beginning has given me a new hope.

Because the professional presentation of KmikeyM is important to our success it is with caution that I request permission to grow a beard. As a publicly traded person I have the advantage of shareholder feedback, which acts as a safety mechanism should my attempt to grow a beard result in something more Jack Sparrow than Richard Branson.

We have developed a system to both measure and maintain our facial hair. The vote for the beard also sets the amount of time until the next vote on the boeard. This allows the shareholders to maintain ongoing influence over the beard. Additionally, each voting period will include an opportunity for discussion on trimming, shaping, and grooming of the beard.

Approval Percentage:

49% or less: Shave the beard. No requests for facial hair for two years.
50% to 59%: Keep the beard, schedule a vote in two weeks.
60% to 69%: Keep the beard, schedule a vote in one month.
70% to 79%: Keep the beard, schedule a vote in two month.
80% to 89%: Keep the beard, schedule a vote in three months.
90% to 99%:Keep the beard, schedule a vote in six months.
100%: Keep the beard, schedule a vote in one year.


We'll end with a quote from Ashton Kutcher, "The scruffier your beard, the better you need to dress." Indeed, Mr Kutcher.

Also we'll end with my favorite beard skit. The Bearded Men of Space Station 11